Anticipatory Grief: Grieving Before the Goodbye
Grief doesn’t always wait for death to show up. Sometimes, it starts creeping in before the final breath is taken. That’s anticipatory grief — the kind of grief that begins when you know loss is coming but it hasn’t happened yet.
Whether you're caring for a loved one with a terminal illness, navigating the slow decline of dementia, or watching someone you love fade in front of your eyes, anticipatory grief can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. One moment you’re savoring the time you have left; the next, you're already mourning what’s being taken away — even if they're still here.
So, let’s break it down.
What is Anticipatory Grief?
Anticipatory grief is the grief we experience before an expected loss. It’s common in situations where a death or major change is on the horizon — such as a loved one’s terminal diagnosis or the progression of a chronic illness. Unlike conventional grief (which occurs after death), anticipatory grief is rooted in the expectation of loss.
And while it might seem like "preparing yourself" would make the grief easier later on, that’s not always the case. You’re grieving before the goodbye, and that grief doesn’t just vanish once the person passes — it evolves, sometimes bringing unexpected feelings of guilt and relief.
What Are the Symptoms of Anticipatory Grief?
Just like any other form of grief, anticipatory grief is a full-body, full-soul experience. Here are some common symptoms:
Sadness or depression: Mourning what’s already been lost (like independence, personality changes, or time).
Anxiety or dread: Worrying about when and how the loss will happen.
Anger or irritability: Feeling helpless or frustrated with the situation.
Guilt: For wanting the pain to end, or for feeling any relief when it does.
Emotional numbness: Disconnecting as a way to cope with the overwhelm.
Loneliness: Feeling like no one understands what you're going through.
Obsessive thoughts about death or illness: Constantly imagining “the moment” or running through worst-case scenarios.
Fatigue and trouble concentrating: Because grief is exhausting — even the anticipatory kind.
If this is you, you’re not broken. You’re grieving — just earlier than most people expect.
The Stages of Anticipatory Grief
Grief is never linear, but anticipatory grief can show up in certain emotional stages. According to the Cleveland Clinic and other grief experts, these often include:
Acceptance of the Reality of the Loss: You begin to understand and acknowledge that the death or major loss is going to happen.
Rehearsal of the Death: You might imagine or prepare for how and when it could happen. This could be practical (making funeral plans, organizing care) or emotional (mentally preparing to say goodbye).
Imagining the Future: You start to envision what life will look like without your loved one — and that imagining can be both heartbreaking and anxiety-inducing.
Emotional Reserve: Sometimes, you start to protect yourself emotionally by creating a bit of distance. It’s a defense mechanism — your brain trying to “get ahead” of the pain.
Keep in mind, these stages don’t always follow a neat order. You may bounce between them or experience multiple at once. That’s okay.
Guilt, Relief, and the Aftermath
Here’s something a lot of people don’t talk about: relief and guilt often come as a package deal after the death — especially for those who’ve experienced anticipatory grief.
You might feel relieved that your loved one is no longer suffering, or that you no longer have to live in constant fear of “when it will happen.” And then, almost instantly, the guilt rolls in: How could I feel relief after losing someone I love?
But here’s the truth: Relief doesn’t mean you didn’t love them deeply. It means you were emotionally stretched to your limit, and now the crisis has passed. It’s okay to feel both things. It’s human. You did the best you could in a hard, sacred, impossible season.
Coping with Anticipatory Grief
While you can’t stop anticipatory grief from showing up, you can support yourself through it. Here are a few ways to cope:
Talk About It: Share what you’re feeling with someone you trust — a friend, a therapist, a grief group. Naming your emotions out loud can take away some of their power.
Write It Out: Journaling can be a powerful way to process grief. Try writing letters to your loved one, or jot down how you’re really doing without censoring yourself.
Create Meaningful Moments: While you still have time together, lean into connection. Make memories, have meaningful conversations, or simply sit in silence and hold their hand.
Give Yourself Permission to Feel Everything: You don’t have to be strong all the time. Let the tears come. Let the laughter sneak in too. There’s room for both.
Seek Support: Anticipatory grief is heavy. You don’t have to carry it alone. Therapy, grief support groups, or even just checking in with a grief-informed friend can make a huge difference.
You’re Already Grieving — And That’s Valid
If you’re walking through anticipatory grief, I want you to know: you’re not weird, you’re not doing it wrong, and you’re definitely not alone. You’re grieving before the loss — and that grief is real, deep, and worthy of compassion.
When the time does come, your grief may look different than others expect. You may feel numb instead of devastated, or relieved instead of shattered. That doesn’t mean you didn’t love hard — it means your grief just had a head start.
Be gentle with yourself, especially in the aftermath. Anticipatory grief doesn’t “cancel out” the grief that comes after. It just changes its shape.
You’re doing hard, sacred work — even if it doesn’t always feel like it.
Reference: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/dealing-with-anticipatory-grief