Grieving a Loss in Your Identity
Grief isn’t only about people we’ve lost—it’s also about the parts of ourselves we lose along the way. One of the most invisible but powerful forms of grief is identity loss. Who we are, how we see ourselves, and the roles we play in life are constantly shifting. Sometimes those shifts feel exciting, but other times, they feel like deep, aching losses we weren’t prepared for.
When it comes to grieving identity, there are two major angles:
Identity Loss as a Primary Loss
This happens when a major life change reshapes who you are at the core. Becoming a parent, graduating, retiring, moving, or even changing careers can all shift your identity. Suddenly, the old version of you doesn’t quite fit anymore. You might love parts of your new role, but still grieve the pieces of yourself you had to let go of. For example: motherhood might bring deep joy and a sense of loss for the freedom and independence you once had. Both can be true at the same time.
Identity Loss as a Secondary Loss
Other times, identity loss comes as the ripple effect of a death. When someone significant in your life dies, you lose them—and you also lose the version of yourself that existed with them. A daughter without her mother, a partner without their spouse, a sibling without their brother. Suddenly, you’re not only grieving their absence but also who you are without them. It can feel like you’re staring into the mirror at a stranger you’re still trying to recognize.
Why Identity Loss Can Be So Hard to Grieve
One of the hardest parts of identity loss is that it’s often invisible. You don’t always get the casseroles, cards, or comforting words because others may not even realize you’re grieving. You may not even realize it yourself—because identity loss can be tricky to name. But just because it’s less obvious doesn’t mean it’s less real. In fact, identity loss often cuts the deepest because it challenges our very sense of self.
How Can You Cope with Identity Loss?
Name it. Saying out loud, “I am grieving the loss of who I was,” gives shape to something that often feels abstract.
Allow duality. It’s okay to celebrate what’s new and miss what’s gone.
Get curious. Instead of pressuring yourself to “find yourself again,” allow space to wonder: Who am I becoming now?
Seek support. Whether through therapy, journaling, or community, identity grief deserves the same tending as any other grief.
Grieving identity loss is messy, complicated, and often overlooked—but it’s real. Whether your identity shifted because of a major life transition or because of the death of someone you love, the ache of “who am I now?” deserves tenderness and care. You’re allowed to miss the old version of yourself while slowly learning to embrace the new. Remember: tending to identity loss isn’t about “getting back” to who you were, but about honoring who you’ve been and making room for who you’re becoming.