The Stages of Grief: Helpful Framework or Total BS?
Image from: https://eden-health.com/the-grieving-process/
Grief is messy, unpredictable, and above all, deeply personal. It doesn’t follow a rulebook, and despite what some models might suggest, it definitely doesn’t happen in neat, orderly stages. One day, you might feel like you can finally breathe again and the next, a random song in the grocery store has you ugly crying in the cereal aisle. This is completely normal. The waves of grief come and go and they vary in intensity.
So, are there really stages of grief? And if there are, how do you know which one you're in? You’ve probably heard of the Five Stages of Grief, but there’s also a Seven Stages model that offers a different perspective. I’ll be honest—I don’t totally love the five-stage model. It’s not wrong, but it oversimplifies grief in a way that I don’t think best serves those who are grieving. The seven-stage model, on the other hand, feels a little more aligned with the rollercoaster that grief actually is.
That being said, we have to remember that grief isn’t linear. You can bounce between these stages completely out of order or even be seemingly in two at once. It’s the nonlinearity of grief that makes me hesitate to call them stages at all. Still, there is something to be learned from these models in how we move through our grief and begin to heal. Sometimes, when grief feels like absolute chaos, it’s helpful to have a framework that reminds us we’re not completely losing it. A place to temporarily tether ourselves when the waves wash ashore.
The Five Stages of Grief (aka The One Everyone Knows)
Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the Five Stages of Grief in 1969, originally as a way to describe how people deal with terminal illness. Over time, it became the model for how we talk about grief in general.
Here’s how it breaks down:
Denial – “This isn’t real. This isn’t happening.”
Anger – “Why is this happening? Who’s to blame?”
Bargaining – “If I do X, maybe this won’t feel so bad.”
Depression – “This loss is crushing, and I don’t know how to move forward.”
Acceptance – “I’ve made peace with this loss (or at least learned how to live with it).”
Now, I’m not saying these emotions don’t happen—they absolutely do. But the five-stage model can feel a little… rigid. It makes grief seem like a linear journey with a clear endpoint and there simply isn’t one. It also implies that once you hit “acceptance,” you’re good to go, when in reality, grief has a way of creeping back in when you least expect it. We can’t blame this squarely on Kübler-Ross though, as this model was never intended to be used this wide spread for all grief.
Which brings me to the Seven Stages of Grief—a model that, to me, feels a little more reflective of how grief actually unfolds.
The Seven Stages of Grief (aka The One I Like More)
This model expands on Kübler-Ross’s work, adding in more nuance to what grief actually feels like. Instead of five clean steps, it acknowledges that grief is more like a tangled mess of emotions that show up in waves.
Here’s the breakdown (source: Resilience Lab):
Shock & Denial – “No way. This can’t be happening.”
Pain & Guilt – “Why didn’t I do more? I should have said X.”
Anger & Bargaining – “I don’t deserve this. Maybe if I had just done Y...”
Depression, Reflection & Loneliness – “This hurts so much. I feel completely alone in this.”
The Upward Turn – “I still miss them, but I’m starting to have more good days.”
Reconstruction & Working Through – “I’m figuring out how to live in this new reality.”
Acceptance & Hope – “I will always grieve this loss, but I can find joy again.”
I love this model because it recognizes that grief is not just about sadness—it’s also about shock, guilt, loneliness, and rebuilding. The addition of the reconstruction and working through stage is my favorite part because it acknowledges that work must be done in order to heal. This model does a better job of recognizing the multifacetedness of grief. Some days, you’ll feel like you’re in the “upward turn,” and then, out of nowhere, you’re right back in the pain. That doesn’t mean you’re doing grief wrong or that you’re not moving forward. It means you’re human.
So… Are Stages of Grief Even Real?
Yes and no.
They’re real in the sense that these emotions do show up for most people at some point in their grief journey. But they’re not real in the sense that you’ll go through them in order, check them off a list, and be done grieving. Grief is way more chaotic than that.
Instead of seeing these models as a step-by-step guide, think of them as a rough map. They won’t tell you exactly how your grief will unfold, but they can help you recognize and name what you’re feeling. Sometimes, when you’re in the thick of it, that’s enough.
At the end of the day, the only “right” way to grieve is your way. No model or expert (not even me, your friendly Chief Griefologist) can tell you how to do it. So, take what’s helpful, leave what’s not, and remember: you are not alone in this.