Why We’re So Bad at Grieving
Grief is one of the most universal human experiences—yet, as a society, especially in the U.S., we are terrible at dealing with it. We don’t talk about it. We rush through it. We slap timelines and expectations on it as if it’s a project to complete instead of a lifelong process. And if you’re the one grieving? You’re often left feeling like you’re doing it wrong—like you should be “getting over it” faster, like you should be stronger, like you should be moving on.
But grief doesn’t work that way. And the truth is, the way our society handles grief sets us up to fail at it before we even begin.
Grief Has a Time Limit (Apparently)
In the U.S., we treat grief like a short-term inconvenience rather than a profound, life-altering experience. The most glaring example? The absurdly short bereavement leave policies in most workplaces. If you’re lucky, you might get three to five days off work when you lose an immediate family member. That’s barely enough time to plan a funeral, let alone begin to process the emotional wrecking ball that just hit you.
And after those few days? You’re expected to show up, be productive, and pretend like your world hasn’t just imploded. Pretend like you don’t have a new (terrible) “normal” to get used to.
Meanwhile, in other cultures, grief is acknowledged as an ongoing process. Some traditions encourage public mourning rituals for months or even years, allowing space for grief to be seen and acknowledged. But in the U.S.? We get a couple of days off, a few sympathetic head tilts, and then we’re thrown back into the grind.
The Toxicity of “Moving On”
Another reason we’re so bad at grieving? The relentless pressure to “move on.”
At first, people check in on you. But after a few weeks? The texts slow down. The casseroles stop. And then, at some point—maybe after a couple of months, maybe after a year—people start expecting you to be over it. They start dropping comments like:
“You have to stop dwelling on it.”
“Wouldn’t they want you to be happy?”
“You have to find closure.”
Closure. As if grief is a door we can simply shut and lock behind us. As if losing someone we love is something we can just complete.
Here’s the truth: You don’t “move on” from grief. You move with it. It changes shape. It softens over time. But it never fully disappears. And the expectation that grief should have an expiration date only makes people feel more isolated when they inevitably still feel the weight of their loss months, years, even decades later.
We’re Deeply Uncomfortable with Death and Sadness
One of the biggest reasons we struggle with grief is that, as a culture, we’re deeply uncomfortable with death. We avoid talking about it. We use euphemisms like “passed away” instead of “died.” We expect funerals to be wrapped up in a neat little bow, often skipping meaningful mourning rituals in favor of quick, efficient services.
And when someone is grieving? We panic. We don’t know what to say. We don’t want to sit in discomfort with them. So instead, we offer platitudes. We attempt to give them a silver lining to their pain.
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“At least they’re in a better place.”
“Time heals all wounds.”
These phrases aren’t malicious, but they are dismissive. They come from a place of wanting to “fix” grief instead of acknowledging that it’s not something that can be fixed.
The reality? Grief is messy. It’s painful. And instead of rushing to smooth it over, we need to learn how to sit with it, both in ourselves and in others.
Grief Doesn't Fit the Hustle Culture Narrative
American culture glorifies productivity (yay capitalism). We celebrate busyness. We see rest as laziness. So when grief enters the picture—an experience that demands slowing down, feeling deeply, and honoring our emotions—it clashes hard with our cultural expectations.
We push ourselves back into work too soon. We distract ourselves with busyness. We feel guilty for “wasting time” by mourning.
But grief needs time. It needs space. And the more we try to shove it down and ignore it, the more it manifests in other ways—through burnout, anxiety, depression, and even physical illness. Unattended grief will always find a way to be heard.
We Don’t Teach People How to Grieve
For all the ways we educate kids on life skills, we do a terrible job of teaching them how to cope with loss. Most of us don’t learn about grief until we’re in the thick of it, blindsided by our own emotions.
Imagine if we taught kids that grief isn’t just about death—that it can come from losing a friendship, a job, a sense of identity. Imagine if we normalized talking about loss, rather than shielding kids from it. Imagine if we gave people tools to navigate grief before they desperately needed them. I believe the world would be a better place if more people could acknowledge that the painful feeling they often feel at the loss of something, isn’t just anger…it’s grief.
We can do better. But first, we have to acknowledge just how bad we’ve been at it.
So… How Do We Get Better at Grieving?
If society won’t change overnight, how do we, as individuals, begin to get better at grief?
Acknowledge grief as a lifelong process. It’s not something to “get over.” It’s something we learn to carry.
Advocate for better grief policies. Push for longer bereavement leave, workplace grief support, and mental health resources.
Stop avoiding hard conversations. Talk about grief. Talk about death. The more we acknowledge it, the less isolating it becomes.
Support people beyond the first few weeks. Grief doesn’t magically disappear after the funeral. Check in months—and years—later.
Give yourself permission to grieve, however you need to. There’s no right way. There’s no timeline. There’s only what feels right for you.
Grief isn’t a problem to be solved—it’s a reality to be lived. And the more we make space for it, the more we allow ourselves and others to heal in the ways we actually need.
Let’s do better.