Beyond Five Stages: A More Realistic Way to Understand Grief
If you’ve ever felt like your grief doesn’t follow the “rules,” you’re not alone.
We’ve all heard of the Five Stages of Grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. For many, they’ve become the go-to way of understanding loss. And while I do like them at face value because they can help put words to big, messy feelings. The issue is that, in reality, grief is rarely that orderly. It doesn’t follow a linear path, so the five-stage model can unfortunately set new grievers up for failure. That’s where the Dual Process Model of Grief comes in, and while I am still a bigger fan of the 5 Dimension Model, the Dual Process model does a great job of articulating the natural back and forth of grief. The ebb and flow of moving between the emotions and the living.
What Is the Dual Process Model?
The Dual Process Model, created by grief researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, sees grief as something you move through, back and forth. It’s not about “getting over it.” It’s about learning to live with it—sometimes sitting in the pain, and other times getting on with life.
It’s made up of two parts:
Loss-oriented coping: This is where you let yourself feel it. Crying, missing them, telling stories, being angry or numb or confused.
Restoration-oriented coping: This is where you start to do life again—answering emails, going back to work, grocery shopping, laughing at a meme.
The part I like the most about this model is the Oscillation. This is that back-and-forth motion between the two. Because both are part of grieving. One day you’re deep in your feelings, and the next you’re out with friends or watching reality TV—and both are healing.
What This Looks Like in Real Life
Loss-oriented moments might look like:
Crying in the car (or shower, or wherever grief shows up)
Looking at old photos or reading texts
Talking through memories with someone you trust
Screaming “WTF” into the void
Restoration-oriented moments might look like:
Making dinner (even if it’s just cereal)
Going to work, taking care of your kids
Starting a new hobby or picking up an old one
Letting yourself take a break from the sadness without guilt
You don’t have to pick one lane. You can be grieving and functioning. You can be healing and still miss them like hell. That’s not being “in denial” or “not doing it right.” That’s just… being human.
Why This Model Matters
Here’s why I love the Dual Process Model (and why you might, too):
It actually reflects real life. Grief doesn’t move in a straight line. It loops, spirals, and doubles back. This model gets that.
It gives you permission to rest. Taking a break from grieving doesn’t mean you’re ignoring your loss—it means you’re taking care of yourself.
It makes room for all grief styles. Whether you’re a talker, a doer, a feeler, or a mix of all three—this model doesn’t box you in.
It helps your support people, too. Knowing that grief has two parts can guide friends, family, and therapists in how to actually help—sometimes with tissues, sometimes with takeout.
Final Thoughts: There’s No One Right Way to Grieve
Grief isn’t one-size-fits-all—and neither are the models we use to understand it.
The Five Stages of Grief can be helpful for putting names to what you’re feeling. Denial, anger, acceptance—those emotional mile markers can feel familiar and comforting. But grief doesn’t follow a straight line. You might cry in the morning and laugh by lunch. That’s not wrong. That’s grief.
The Dual Process Model steps in to say, “Yes, this is all part of it.” It gives you permission to feel the hard stuff and also come up for air—to cry and cope, to fall apart and function. It honors the rhythm of real-life grieving.
Both models have a role to play. One gives you emotional language. The other gives you room to move. Depending on where you are or what you need, one might speak to you more than the other—and that can shift over time.
So if you’re feeling all over the place? You’re not broken. You’re not doing it wrong. You’re just grieving—in your own way, on your own timeline.
And that’s exactly how it should be.